What a bad blogger I've been this past month. Several people have e-mailed me and said, "Hey, what's up, no new posts?" I have thought about posting several times, it just didn't get done.
You would think at my age that I would understand and know the wisdom of a mother. Well my mom told me a few months ago that if I didn't slow down a little and take care of myself that the Lord would slow me down. She was right. August has been a really tough month.
I started to have really bad anxiety attacks. Like the kind that cause Dave to reach for the phone to call 911. They are happening several times a week. My energy level is zippo. I'm not depressed, but sad. I'm not sleeping well at all. I can't make decisions and then that brings on an anxiety attack. I don't have an appetite and I have become afraid to go out for fear of another attack. How embarassing would that be to have a bad attack right there in Target. No one wants to see some crazy lady sitting on the floor gasping for air. No thank you!
So Mom was right. The Lord brought me down and forced me to rest. He took me to task. I had no choice but to sit---literally to catch my breath.
I went to the doctor and learned that I have adreanal fatigue. Basically, my adreanal gland just doesn't want to work right, which causes all these lovely symptoms.
I'm in the process of "fixing" my adreanal gland. It's stressful, because of course I want to feel better NOW! It takes time. It took time to get in this mess, it will take time to get out of it. I also have learned that I have to slow down.
I always thought I could do it ALL. I can keep a sparklingly clean house (I got rid of the cleaning lady, because I thought I could do it), be a good wife, homeschool my kids, entertain friends and family, be a good mom, be there for my Design Team, run a business and the list goes on. I made little time to spend alone with the Lord. I made absolutely NO time for myself----because that's selfish. All of this craziness brought on a very, very unpleasant month.
I can't do it ALL. I have to delegate. I have to focus on the Lord. I HAVE to take some time for myself and not feel guilty about it. I have to let go. I have to LEARN how to rest. I HONESTLY don't know how to do that. I've always been a person that can't stand to sit still. Watching movies can drive me nuts, because I'm just sitting. I can watch a movie and do paperwork. I run all day long. The doctor asked me, "What do you do that lights a fire in you that's just for you?" I couldn't answer him. Dave couldn't answer him. I used to scrapbook or stamp, but that's part of my job now. And, to sit and try to scrap. . . UGH. . . it involves making decisions. What paper, what picture, what colors, what embellishments? It's just too much. I can't do it. Not now.
So all in all, I'm trying to make some changes in my lifestyle, in my diet (i.e. eat!---I don't do that well either---it takes time), in my mind set. What I've been doing just isn't working.
Please pray for me. I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm tired and I really wish it would just go away. I want to be able to do it all and do it well and I just don't understand why I can't.
I have become an over thinking, perfectionistic, workaholic (both in my business and home). Sounds yucky--huh? I have SUPER high expectations of myself, but need to learn a new way.
My mom was right. They usually are when it involves their kids. Thank you Mom! I love you! I just wish you were wrong this time.
I'm going to try to post more often. I just need to get healthy again. I hope I can post about something FUN I've done---maybe just for me.
I love you all and am so thankful for you. Thank you to those who have e-mailed me asking how I am. You are truly a blessing!!!
